Things you’ll never hear them say

Here are some things you’ll never hear these celebrities say: 

• Shah Rukh Khan, on winning the Best Actor award:

I humbly declare that I alone do not deserve this coveted award. Considering the brilliance and talent of the other actors nominated along with me, I feel compelled to share this award with them. This one is for you, guys!

• Kareena Kapoor

I know I am not drop-dead gorgeous. In fact I frequently gaze at the mirror and say to myself: “How dare you look so pitiful?” I don’t even dance too well and my directors are often forced to re-shoot some scenes. I have failed so many times on the first take. 

• Salman Khan

I would like to clear this misconception that I love Aishwarya – I do not. Any affection I nurtured for her was of a friendly nature. I never pursued her with the hope of winning her love, and I certainly never subjected her to any physical abuse. Only once I had slapped her (though not very hard) when she steadfastly refused to hand over to me the last remaining bottle of whiskey in the house. She said if she gave it to me I would drink it and then promptly run over homeless people while driving. What Nonsense! When she knows I don’t care for anything but Big Bucks! 

• Sabeer Bhatia

Aishwarya? I don’t want to marry Aishwarya. Why do you think I would want to? Just because of what media people write? I have no such feelings for her.

By the way, you don’t happen to have her hotmail id do you? 

• Aamir Khan, on winning a Best Actor award sponsored by any film magazine

I am delighted to accept this [Film Magazine] Best Actor award. I am a regular reader of [Film Magazine] and today I wish to salute them in their single-minded devotion to spreading malicious gossip to all remote corners of India. 

• Bipasha Basu/Dino Morea/ Diya Mirza/Arjun Rampal

I agree that models cannot act. In fact it is time we accepted this fact and tried to improve our acting skills, as we cannot be expected to ride on our sex symbol status forever. 

• Dr. Sriram Nene

Over the last few months, I have consciously taken the effort to spare some time and have finally finished watching all of Madhuri’s films. And I must say I give her credit for the quality of her acting and exposure, er, composure. 

• Sanjay Leela Bhansali

I truly apologise to all those who feel offended in any way at my interpretation of the Sarat Chandra Chatterjee classic Devdas. Having devoted much thought to the matter, I now realize that my film focused excessively on the opulence and grandeur, rather than on the essence of the novel. 

Please add more of your own!